How You Parent Matters

I remember one of my first play dates I had as a child, and how much it showed me about how different styles of parenting varied between me and my friends' parents. I was in 3rd grade when I invited one of my friends to spend a day with me and my mom. My mom wanted to make sure we were fed, allowed us to choose any activity we wanted to do for that day, and while she let us play together, she would sometimes interact and play along with us. I'll never forget how no matter how much my mom would offer for my playmate to eat, she just wouldn't. She asked for candy the whole day, and though I was allowed, it wasn't the only thing my mom would let me snack on. She told us we both could have any choice of candy, but that it was important to eat some type of meal for lunch. My friend would not eat, and was determined to eat candy during that whole day. What was shocking was that when her mother arrived and my mom explained the situation, her mother simply stated, "oh me and my husband give her anything she wants, she can eat candy up until dinner time when she begins to feel hungry." At that point I was a little jealous of my playmate, just imagining being allowed to eat candy from morning to night amused me, but now looking back, it's a bit mind bottling.

What I understood back then about parents that were crazy, was that ways that they were either extremely permissive or strict, can be defined psychologically in child development. A researcher by the name of Diana Baumrind, studied the different styles of parenting through interviews, testing, home studies, and identified 3 parenting styles on concordance to particular child behaviors and interactions.

• Authoritarian Parenting: This style of parenting can be remembered by the "Authority" in the style name, in which it "emphasizes control and unquestionable obedience." This style of parenting involves the "do what I say and don't question me" parents who have high control of their children's lives, and are less likely to here out there children's feelings or opinions. They are very strict in their relationships, and punish easily, having children that tend to be more withdrawn and discontent.
• Permissive Parenting: This style of parenting is that of very lenient parents who "make few demands" of their children, and allow them to control their own scheduling. Their children tend to be less disciplined and feel highly insecure.
• Authoritative Parenting: This style of parenting involves parents who emphasize a child's need to be independent and an individual, but still holds social constraints. These are the parents that may compromise more with their children, but still expect a equal level of discipline. Their children tend to feel more loved and are self-reliant. 

When I think back onto my childhood, I recognize that my mom held certain standards for me, but we were always able to talk about my opinions and views. So even when I was told I wasn't allowed to do something I wanted to, my mother would explain to me reasons why her rules were important and how we could work out things I wanted to do at other times or places. My playmates' parents have shown styles fitting to authoritarian and permissiveness, but most times I would have a hard time of holding company with them. But what I've noticed is that with playmates whose parents were authoritative style like my mothers, we got along just great, and they became my best friends for elementary school. 

Scardy-Cat!!!!

We all fear things or have feared something at one time in our life. As a college student, I fear doing poorly in classwork, or not being able to find a career once I graduate from college. Sometimes our own personal fears seem to be the scariest, but we all fear the same. I think back to when I was younger and the fears I had then, and now they seem so irrelevant. When I speak to my little sister and she tells me things she worries about, I have to keep in mind that her fears are just as significant to her as my fears are to me.

For children, fears are very common, and they range from small things like insects, to losing a parent or their homes. It's not completely negative for children to have fears, because in many ways it keeps them from possible dangers we may worn them about. We tell them to keep away from the stove because it can harm them, and they can manifest that into a fear that they'll soon get over once they're older and understand things a lot more. My little sister goes through bizarre phases of things she fears, and a 6 years old, some are common and some are not.

For infants and or toddlers, their fears consists of: loud noises, large objects, strangers, separation, and sudden changes. For kids of preschool years, their fears consists of: the dark, masks, monsters, and some animals. During early school years, their fears consists of: snakes, spiders, lightening and thunder, doctors, illness, shots, failure, and death. The best thing parents can do in these cases are provide a sense of security for their fears (because they tend to not consistently last forever), and in my opinion, answer questions that their children may not understand about the things they fear.

For my sister, and common for her age, she often fears the dark, sleeping alone, monsters, and big dogs. These are all things I was once fearful of as well. But she's gained some quite unusual and hilarious fears in my opinion. She went through a weird phase about being scared of getting bunions. She like to wear her favorite ballerina shoes but has grown out of them and they make her feet hurt, in an effort to get them to throw it away, someone told her that she would get bunions. She feared that she would look like an old lady, and cried when she put on her ballerina shoes because of that fear, but still never wanted to rid them. She also has become very well at faking sleep while other family members watch more "grown up shows" like dateline. And sneakingly watching them, she has developed fears of death and pregnancy. While many kids fear death, and they see it in video games and movies, its not common for many other 6 years olds to fear having birth. She doesn't completely understand it, but after watching a show on a lady who has sextuplets, she's afraid of birthing pains. She insists that she doesn't want to have babies, and tells me that even though I'm big, I shouldn't either. Even though its silly, I still explain to her that young kids don't have kids, and that she wont ever have to worry about such pains until she's older and really considers having a baby. And I let her explain to me that childbirth hurts, and because she fears it for herself and sisters, I reassure her of any questions and concerns she may have.

Sibling Love

Many times when we consider child development and those who hold the most weight in securing our development to helps us grow, it is the parents and or caregivers. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but sometimes the biggest influences on child development are the child's siblings themselves, or even lack of siblings. The order in which how our parents have us, often influence our behaviors as we grow up into adults. Only children even though they are assumed to be very spoiled, are actually more motivated and self-achieved. Those with siblings suffer from the split of attention and being compared to the other siblings, and most times its not in the best ways. The youngest sibling tends to be spoiled and babied, the middle child seems to suffer the greatest in lack of attention, and the older siblings are mostly held responsible and critiqued more, being the first to make mistakes as the first child of the family. While it seems that parents play a big role in treating specific children in particular ways, the sibling relationships go through many trials but seem to always be the longest lasting friendships siblings have.

Sibling relationships range in closeness and hostility, and this can be found by their age order, gender, and parent's behaviors. Conflict mostly arises between siblings when there appears to be conflict between the parents, or families as a whole. Most times it tears the siblings apart, but sometimes siblings try to assume the role of parents and be there for each other when their parents can't be. There are many siblings who might fight or struggle to get along at home, but when it comes to outside peers or even their parents, they tend to stick together. Sibling relationships also function to develop social and cognitive developments. Between their daily interactions (in which the times they spend together in their homes are mostly together) and being different age ranges, siblings share and are attached with each other the most. Many times when siblings are younger they are very close, but as they enter teen years (or the eldest does) they seem to drift apart. But once they are adults and begin to start their own families, they look to each other for that same familiar relationships, and re-kindle their close bonds.

Object Permanence.

According to psychologist, Jean Piaget, there is a concept known as "object permanence" which can be a term to describe a child's ability to understand that an object or person exist, even when they aren't in their presence. This ability does not come along until after the time between birth and two years of age, and can be known as the "lack" of object permanence. At this time, infants can only acknowledge the presence of an object or person through motor abilities such as, sight, touch, movement, and taste. This concept was experimented on by Piaget, in which he used a toy to be visibly seen and held by the young child, and then clearly hidden. For the older children who searched for the child, it was clear that they developed object permanence. And for the younger children, they became sad and distraught with the missing toy and seemed to perceive that the toy had just magically vanished.

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When my little sister was about 1 years old, she became very attached to me. Although I only lived with her on weekends, I was able to understand her perception of me in terms of object permanence. It's this idea of "out of sight, out of mind" in which during week days, her big sister would sort of disappear. Sometimes she would cry when I left, and when I returned was always extra excited to see me. Now, 7 years old, my little sister has completely developed object permanence. Living states away, and away at college, her understanding of our relationship and object permanence is very accepted. She knows that when I leave, she'll always see me again, but struggles with this emotionally because that timing I come and go is highly unstable. I remember leaving the house in the morning when she was asleep, and she called me the next day saying, "Kayla please don't leave when I wake up, I looked everywhere and you were gone." Even though I didn't want to upset her and see her cry, I learned that she prefers me to explain to her when I'm leaving in advance, and where I'm going. She constantly reminds me, "Kayla, your school is so far, you have to sleep there!" Over time she has grown accustom to the distance, and my permanence in her life even though I can't be directly with her. I called to speak with her today and she told me she was busy reading, and when I asked her if she could spare me 5mins, she said "Speak to me already, I'm listening." I call her my crazy sister, but I love the permanent place she holds in my heart, no matter how far away she is.

Industry vs Inferiority

At around 6-11 years of age, also known as middle childhood, according to Erikson's Psychosocial stage of development, we enter his 4th stage known as Industry vs. Inferiority. If we are grown into a trusting environment in which we learn how to explore freely, we move away from this isolating inferiority when entering the stage for schooling. This speaks to how we socially adapt and interact with our new peers, and how we make an industry of friends. This stage tells us how our development allows for us to work with others, and when this is successful we have breached the appropriate industry side of the psychosocial stage. Yet, when negative influences of the atmosphere and those around us at home, or school, than we are forced to feel incompetence atmost this being the inferiority aspect of the stage.

As school age children, we seek peer acceptance and research shows that most of us fall into one of the four following categories: popular children, rejected children, controversial children, and neglected children.

• Popular children, are those children who are well liked, and get highly positive votes. But, there are two types of these popular children. The first is the popular-prosocial kind who is both socially and academically competent, and show cooperation, kindness, and sensitivity to peers. The other is popular-antisocial who enhance their popular status by aggressive behavior, and also defy authority to be seen as the "tough kid."
• Rejected children are those who are disliked, and receive many negative votes from peers, there are also two types of this category. One is the rejected-aggressive children who show high rates of conflict and aggression. Then the other type is rejected-withdrawn, who is more socially incompetent around peers.  
• Controversial children are those who receive both negative and positive votes by peers, being both liked and disliked. They often appear disruptive, but will also engage in positive behavior.
• Neglected Children are not really mentioned a lot, and they engage in minimum rates of interaction. They tend to prefer to be on their own, yet can withdraw from that pattern whenever they choose.

Learning about peer acceptance and the different categories, I most consider middle school and the different attitudes we held as developing pre-teens, and I can think of someone for each category above.  I remember this really nice girl, who got along with everyone, was very pretty, and she would fall into the popular-prosocial type. And then, there was another kid who was very aggressive yet gained his popularity for being able to come up with the best disses for those who were less popular, and he would be considered popular-antisocial. Although many of us feared him, we respected his "mucho" attitude in a sense, in which he gained popularity. In considering the rejected type, I could name a number of students in my grade who were either really aggressive or socially awkward, in which they received high ratings of being disliked all around. I myself would say that I fell into the controversial role, I understood the importance of doing my work and even being nice to others, but I often acted out sometimes when I was bored or seeking attention. What my teachers and parents later realized, was that I was more advanced in my work load and became bored with the "easy" teachings to my peers, so I benefitted more in gifted classes. I also remember a couple kids that would fit the neglected type, who seemed mysterious and kept to themselves, yet once in a while would step out of their shell and intrigue us. While these stages aren't exactly set in stone, they do speak volumes to the way we being to socially interact with peers and it shows how past experiences and home life contribute to our psychosocial growth into adulthood. 

Girls are Cool & Boys Drool!

Because my little sister is a princess...

Jojo: Kayla can you do my nails?

Me: Of course love, what color?

Jojo: Pink, Red, Purple...not black, thats a boy color.

::Paints nails::

Jojo: I'm a princess, and princesses have to be pretty and have pretty nails. Because I'm a girl, I have to sit still so my nails don't get messy. I can't play rough games like Dave, because my nails can't get messed up. Kayla!... let me blow my nails to dry them!!!

Since the age of two, my little sister has always been particular about the things she wears, how her hair is fixed, and very stern about acquiring a "girly" behavior. My other sisters aren't as vain as my  6 year old little sister, but her behavior speaks volumes to the societal and cultural gender expected norms and roles of girls and boys. From very young ages we are often taught what behaviors are appropriate for what gender. And often times, when we go against such norms we are told by our peers and other on lookers, that we aren't "normal" and sometimes face possible mistreatment and bullying. At the young age of school, and especially by the time young kids begin pre-school, they have a high understanding of what's appropriate behavior for the gender and can easily stereotype what boys can do vs what girls can do. My sister speaks about being able to wear dresses and playing with dolls, while our young male cousin her same age can play video games and go outside without a shirt. It almost intrigues her about the different things girls can do but boys cant.

The biggest advocates for structuring gender roles in our societies, are fathers. Many fathers baby their daughters, and allow them to express their feelings and most always comforts them when needed. Yet for young sons, they tell them not to cry, and to play rough. Nowadays it is a lot more acceptable for a little girls to play with toy trucks or even aspire to be firefighters, doctors, or anything else they dream to be. Yet still, boys are often scold for picking up a toy doll, and rarely are tolerated when they dress in any type of female wear. Little girls can wear shorts, the color blue, and play all types of sports. But our society is so against young males showing sensitive behavior, that they grow up ready to resort to violence than talk about their feelings. Boys are also most likely to tease another boy for "acting feminine" while accepting to the "tom boy" girls as good friends. Gender roles are so rooted into our society that it would be quite difficult for us to step away from them. The best thing we can do as parents and adults, is to step away from the gender stereotypes and accept our children for how they wish to express themselves.

The Cohort Effect.

More than just our ages alone, we are able to identify with people our age groups not just because we share a similar birth year, but more because of the experiences and events that have occurred throughout our lives which became a major part in how we live our lives, experience things, and relate to people through such experiences. This can be known as the cohort effect, in which particular major and or common events define a particular groups of ages who can share an understanding of these events and thus relate to it more. While birth year can represent a particular cohort, traumatic world events, music and tv shows, can also be of the most impacting effects. Even without truly knowing someone close to your age group, a lot of times sharing a cohort can help spark conversations in which common experiences can be expressed, and we tend to grow more fond to these people in our cohort. When I first met my roommate we barely knew anything about each other, but we found that when we would play old N'sync songs, we could sing all the words and talk about which N'sync member we loved the most. Other older or younger cohorts may not be able to relate to N'sync because it might not have been of their time, but they can relate to other artists that were the most popular within their lifespan. 

I have a sister whose only 4 years younger than me, and the similarities and differences in our cohorts can be easily perceived. Both being 90's babies, we can relate on some level to popular events or trends that we both shared, but in particular world events I've found that are cohort are completely distinct. Recently in school, my sister was asked how being from New York (she know attends high school in Georgia) she was impacted by the attacks on september 11th. I always considered the event to be as traumatic for me as it was for my sister, but really she expressed that it was difficult to identify with that event, and felt that it had no overall impact on her life. Then I recalled that although I was emotionally truamatized by that event at 9 years old, my sister was only 5 years old and can only remember getting to leave kindergarden early that day. She told me how other kids her age also felt un-impacted by that day but her cohort shares knowledge of later events like witnessing the historical event of having a black president.

On the other hand, my experience of 9/11 was a lot more different and traumatic for me. Other than attending school close to the twin towers, I can recall every detail of what happened and what I  did before and after the towers were hit. When events are as traumatic and newly felt for an individual, they are better able to recall every single moment of it. My sister can only remember leaving school early, but I remember gathering my belongings to evacuate the school, running with my classmates from the dark clouds following us, and walking from downtown manhattan to uptown hoping my mother would be able to find me. When I speak to other New York friends who were attending school this same day as me, we can all share our different experiences, but the impact it had on our lives is such a common place for us that it is a meaningful part of our history, lives, and memories to this day. Even 2 or 3 years after the attack, my group of friends shared that same fear or terrorism and un-comfortability of understanding what war truly was. I'm apart of many cohorts of my time, but the attack on 9/11 will forever remain a major and common experience for the young lives within my cohort.