How You Parent Matters

I remember one of my first play dates I had as a child, and how much it showed me about how different styles of parenting varied between me and my friends' parents. I was in 3rd grade when I invited one of my friends to spend a day with me and my mom. My mom wanted to make sure we were fed, allowed us to choose any activity we wanted to do for that day, and while she let us play together, she would sometimes interact and play along with us. I'll never forget how no matter how much my mom would offer for my playmate to eat, she just wouldn't. She asked for candy the whole day, and though I was allowed, it wasn't the only thing my mom would let me snack on. She told us we both could have any choice of candy, but that it was important to eat some type of meal for lunch. My friend would not eat, and was determined to eat candy during that whole day. What was shocking was that when her mother arrived and my mom explained the situation, her mother simply stated, "oh me and my husband give her anything she wants, she can eat candy up until dinner time when she begins to feel hungry." At that point I was a little jealous of my playmate, just imagining being allowed to eat candy from morning to night amused me, but now looking back, it's a bit mind bottling.

What I understood back then about parents that were crazy, was that ways that they were either extremely permissive or strict, can be defined psychologically in child development. A researcher by the name of Diana Baumrind, studied the different styles of parenting through interviews, testing, home studies, and identified 3 parenting styles on concordance to particular child behaviors and interactions.

• Authoritarian Parenting: This style of parenting can be remembered by the "Authority" in the style name, in which it "emphasizes control and unquestionable obedience." This style of parenting involves the "do what I say and don't question me" parents who have high control of their children's lives, and are less likely to here out there children's feelings or opinions. They are very strict in their relationships, and punish easily, having children that tend to be more withdrawn and discontent.
• Permissive Parenting: This style of parenting is that of very lenient parents who "make few demands" of their children, and allow them to control their own scheduling. Their children tend to be less disciplined and feel highly insecure.
• Authoritative Parenting: This style of parenting involves parents who emphasize a child's need to be independent and an individual, but still holds social constraints. These are the parents that may compromise more with their children, but still expect a equal level of discipline. Their children tend to feel more loved and are self-reliant. 

When I think back onto my childhood, I recognize that my mom held certain standards for me, but we were always able to talk about my opinions and views. So even when I was told I wasn't allowed to do something I wanted to, my mother would explain to me reasons why her rules were important and how we could work out things I wanted to do at other times or places. My playmates' parents have shown styles fitting to authoritarian and permissiveness, but most times I would have a hard time of holding company with them. But what I've noticed is that with playmates whose parents were authoritative style like my mothers, we got along just great, and they became my best friends for elementary school. 

Scardy-Cat!!!!

We all fear things or have feared something at one time in our life. As a college student, I fear doing poorly in classwork, or not being able to find a career once I graduate from college. Sometimes our own personal fears seem to be the scariest, but we all fear the same. I think back to when I was younger and the fears I had then, and now they seem so irrelevant. When I speak to my little sister and she tells me things she worries about, I have to keep in mind that her fears are just as significant to her as my fears are to me.

For children, fears are very common, and they range from small things like insects, to losing a parent or their homes. It's not completely negative for children to have fears, because in many ways it keeps them from possible dangers we may worn them about. We tell them to keep away from the stove because it can harm them, and they can manifest that into a fear that they'll soon get over once they're older and understand things a lot more. My little sister goes through bizarre phases of things she fears, and a 6 years old, some are common and some are not.

For infants and or toddlers, their fears consists of: loud noises, large objects, strangers, separation, and sudden changes. For kids of preschool years, their fears consists of: the dark, masks, monsters, and some animals. During early school years, their fears consists of: snakes, spiders, lightening and thunder, doctors, illness, shots, failure, and death. The best thing parents can do in these cases are provide a sense of security for their fears (because they tend to not consistently last forever), and in my opinion, answer questions that their children may not understand about the things they fear.

For my sister, and common for her age, she often fears the dark, sleeping alone, monsters, and big dogs. These are all things I was once fearful of as well. But she's gained some quite unusual and hilarious fears in my opinion. She went through a weird phase about being scared of getting bunions. She like to wear her favorite ballerina shoes but has grown out of them and they make her feet hurt, in an effort to get them to throw it away, someone told her that she would get bunions. She feared that she would look like an old lady, and cried when she put on her ballerina shoes because of that fear, but still never wanted to rid them. She also has become very well at faking sleep while other family members watch more "grown up shows" like dateline. And sneakingly watching them, she has developed fears of death and pregnancy. While many kids fear death, and they see it in video games and movies, its not common for many other 6 years olds to fear having birth. She doesn't completely understand it, but after watching a show on a lady who has sextuplets, she's afraid of birthing pains. She insists that she doesn't want to have babies, and tells me that even though I'm big, I shouldn't either. Even though its silly, I still explain to her that young kids don't have kids, and that she wont ever have to worry about such pains until she's older and really considers having a baby. And I let her explain to me that childbirth hurts, and because she fears it for herself and sisters, I reassure her of any questions and concerns she may have.

Sibling Love

Many times when we consider child development and those who hold the most weight in securing our development to helps us grow, it is the parents and or caregivers. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but sometimes the biggest influences on child development are the child's siblings themselves, or even lack of siblings. The order in which how our parents have us, often influence our behaviors as we grow up into adults. Only children even though they are assumed to be very spoiled, are actually more motivated and self-achieved. Those with siblings suffer from the split of attention and being compared to the other siblings, and most times its not in the best ways. The youngest sibling tends to be spoiled and babied, the middle child seems to suffer the greatest in lack of attention, and the older siblings are mostly held responsible and critiqued more, being the first to make mistakes as the first child of the family. While it seems that parents play a big role in treating specific children in particular ways, the sibling relationships go through many trials but seem to always be the longest lasting friendships siblings have.

Sibling relationships range in closeness and hostility, and this can be found by their age order, gender, and parent's behaviors. Conflict mostly arises between siblings when there appears to be conflict between the parents, or families as a whole. Most times it tears the siblings apart, but sometimes siblings try to assume the role of parents and be there for each other when their parents can't be. There are many siblings who might fight or struggle to get along at home, but when it comes to outside peers or even their parents, they tend to stick together. Sibling relationships also function to develop social and cognitive developments. Between their daily interactions (in which the times they spend together in their homes are mostly together) and being different age ranges, siblings share and are attached with each other the most. Many times when siblings are younger they are very close, but as they enter teen years (or the eldest does) they seem to drift apart. But once they are adults and begin to start their own families, they look to each other for that same familiar relationships, and re-kindle their close bonds.